Life’s What You Make It

We did not speak to each other for an entire year. Remember that Shaila? One year in all the 53 years we have known each other. 2 years into our friendship we had a disagreement. Like true middle school girls, we did not see eye to eye. Literally. They called us Parallel Lines. How we looked away from each other at the bus stop but stood close enough that we could overhear each other’s conversations with others. You had to bring your War and Peace to read at the bus stop. I borrowed it the next day from my uncle who said, ‘maybe you’re too young for it?’ I never ever got past 5 pages of War & Peace.

For the rest of the 12 years between middle school and Engineering College, we never stopped talking – while walking to the bus, on the bus, between classes, and then in the evenings under the pretext of discussing homework. And on our long tech-education tours. We laughed more than we talked, they said. We managed to get in our words between mostly laughing matches.

My parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, and cousins knew you were family. And I yours. I loved those stories about your selfless parents, your doting sister, and the large extended family. The kindest uncle(s), the gracious aunt(s), the humble, the intelligent, and the generous cousins. So, there I was, with my stories as fabulous and harmonious. I learnt to wear your lens. I am an unwavering optimist, especially when it comes to people. And you, Shaila, are the architect. The teacher who showed me how and held me to a high standard.

Once we moved on with our jobs, marriage, and kids, there were years when we had to make do with just one, maybe two phone calls in a year or one meeting in few years. But we made every second count. There were teachers, subjects, friends, admirers, crushes, parents, siblings, weddings, husbands, children, jobs, travels, cooking. Oh, we had so much ground to cover and make sure we wove in enough laughter in between.

This past 1.5+ years it felt like we were back in school. We met often and spoke countless hours on the phone. Thank you Shaila for letting me in your life since the dreaded diagnosis. I will treasure these years – the trips, the sunsets, rainbows, walks, talks, gardens, books, watching shows, singing, cooking, painting. We created a whole new world of the most precious memories all over again. And boy did we laugh!

Behind my laughter was deep admiration for someone who set a cheerful tone for everybody to follow. Someone who could laugh at the new realities of cancer that gradually sneaked in. I watched you in awe. As you relinquished your job and turned on to other important tasks. As you cleaned room after organized room of unwanted stuff, digitized recorded memories, recorded moments, recipes, and stories for the family. As you made precious international and domestic trips to enjoy and give joy to others. As you planned for the days ahead with clarity, adding your touch to an upcoming wedding, ensuring the children settled down in their homes, and designing your treatment and advance directive with great calm.

 You ensured the family, especially the children saw the best version of their mother yet. One with gravitas who practiced enlightened detachment, to quote a friend.

This past year and a half, I admired your family act with the same gentleness, calm, cheer and lots of love. With you at the lead, we got a Masterclass in acceptance, grace, and mindfulness. Not sure I will pass this one, but I promise to try extremely hard to learn and practice.

Here we are Shaila, at that crossroad where we will not speak to each other again. This time forever. But the Masterclass, in your voice, will always ring in my ear to celebrate life no matter where the sand is in the hourglass. Thank you.

PS: The first time I will miss your cheerful phone call to comment on my post.

25 thoughts on “Life’s What You Make It”

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  1. What a wonderful way to bid adieu Usha❤️

    This is so emotional but refreshing too to the heart. Gives a tearful jerk to my heart on reading this, to think that I will not be meeting Shaila again, but your way of words here fills my heart with the wonderful memories that we had, in the short span that we reconnected. Says a lot about our childhood years as school mates.

    I am sure Shaila is giving you her mesmerising smile, on reading your words, a smile that reaches her eyes, ……always….as we remember her🥰

    Here’s to you Shaila🥂, till we meet again💞

    Geetha

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  4. Thank you for a look into Shaila before I met her. It totally adds up to the person I came to know and love for the past 30 years.

    As I watched her raise the kids I admired her strength and resilience as she batted at everything that came her way. Her love of nature and national parks led me to always consult her before my heading off to any of the parks as I always knew she would have done all the research and selected all the good spots.

    And yes when it came to the last two years I learnt so much from my dear friend. The acceptance phase came fast and easy and she started preparing with grace. Our conversations when spent time together were rarely about the end to come. Instead it was mostly about the trips she was still to take. She was so excited about being able to visit her mom in India as it was an unexpected bonus.

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  5. sorry I was unable to complete.

    here is the rest.

    I will miss you a lot. Your is a hard act to follow. The void you have left is huge but you have left a lot of sweet memories which I will always treasure. You lovely smile has passed on to all three of your kids and I will always think of you when I see them

    Viji

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  7. Ushi, this sure is one of the most moving pieces of yours I have read and one that also inspires and urges to live life fully. I had met your dear friend Shailaja and interacted with her as a child, then much later, when I was in college or senior school, when she visited our home with her kids and remember meeting her last at Navya’s wedding. It must indeed be such a treasured friendship…53 years of knowing and sharing so much with a friend is precious!! I can only imagine your bond!

    Her smile indeed was a trademark Shailaja smile…I think the rest that you have spoken of, I can totally associate with that very smile which sums her up, as a person! Beautiful tribute to a beautiful soul Ushi! 🤎

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  8. Nice tribute, Usha. Echo sentimsnts of Geetha and Viji.

    I too am so grateful to have had her in my life. Lovely memories of going with her and sometimes Anjana also to the local library. Walking and talking as we sorted through adults and our lives in our pre-teens and teens. Got to mention staying out of PT master’s way as we ducked any sort of exercise. And the precious Gokalashtami feasts at her house.
    In the last 2 years, I learned how much we had in common in our adult selves – walking, reading, crossword puzzles every Sunday morning regardless of busy schedules, etc. She faced disease and death with the same equanimity, grace, and dignity she showed all her life, always thoughtful and concerned about others – love in action. I miss her.

    Sindhu

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  9. The earlier comment is mine.

    By the way, I agree that you are very much like her in loving and living life in the most optimistic ways. Reading your piece made me actually write to a friend I had not been able to speak to in a long time – something I was putting off for later due to various reasons!

    Lots of love,
    Varsha

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  10. Lovely write-up. It captures the essence of what a dear friend Shailaja was to you.

    You also have brought out many facets of Shylaja which classmates like me were unaware of.

    Goes to show how little we know of the gentle souls who were with us in our prime years.

    It also gives inspiration to all of us to be stoic in the face of adversity.

    My memories of her was that she was a quiet, unassuming, brilliant girl.

    When I met her at your home in 1985 , I was struck by her giggles which was another facet of her I had not experienced.

    A good soul, gone too soon.

    From : Vijay Sambrani ( Classmate in Electrical Engineering. 1979 – 1984 )

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  11. Usha, You have very beautifully captured your feelings & life with a dear friend of over half a century. I know of Shaila only thru you. I think I have met her just once a long time ago but I feel like I know her very well through your description of her. She’s such a beautiful, strong, positive person. So much to learn from her. Thanks for sharing stories describing the beautiful bond you two shared. Your writing is amazing – coming straight from your heart. Take care. Sending my love to the Shaila’s family.

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  12. Thanks Varsha. Indeed these are special bonds when we are able to make such a huge impact. She loved the baby Varsha and your (& Varun’s) singing.

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  14. We will miss her very much Sindhu. In fact, ‘gravitas & enlightened detachment’ is your contribution.Ha ha, PT ducking – I heard you guys laughing about it few months ago.😂

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  15. This must be one of her friends from Raleigh. Sounds so familiar – how she lived life these past 30 years. And yes, making that trip to India was such a treasure for everybody she touched and loved in India, starting with her mom. Thanks for sharing this.

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  16. Ushi, I had to keep wiping my tears many times as I read your beautiful, touching tribute, speaking volumes of only the positive side of this great tragedy. I admire you for this great quality to separate the positivity from any complex incident!

    Coming to Shyla, I can never forget her infective, sweet smile, soft talk, bright and twinkling eyes and beautiful long plait! The scene of the parallel lines walking down 15th cross, First Block, Rajajinagar is permanently etched in my mind. And yes, I can still get the taste of the yummy Gokulashtami thindies that her loving parents served us every year. I can never imagine that a person, whose end is known to be just round the corner could really live her life with full enthu and plan, like Rajesh Khanna of Anand, as a fictional character! Even a small dip in my health puts me off and the lurking fear bothers me so much! Hats off to your great friend for setting such a high standard of philosophy and of course to everybody in her family and you dear friends, who gave your solid support to her. What a dignified and honorable way to bid goodbye to this planet! We have a lot to learn from Shyla! Shyla, we will all miss your physical presence but definitely never forget your example forever! May you keep smiling and guiding us from wherever you are!

    Sudha Narasimhachar

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  20. Usha
    Thank you for this beautiful tribute. We will certainly miss her. I will miss her quiet and unassuming support, and I will always cherish her warm and welcoming nature. It was a rare balance and she really made it look easy. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to her. I could not agree more about the difficulty of practicing such acceptance, grace, and mindfulness. The world needs more of that spirit, and I hope to carry it with me one day

    Sudi

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  21. Ushi dear- as I wipe my tears, I marvel at this joyous and inspirational friendship you’ve shared with Shaila- one that endures her passing. Of course- memories of your shared bond must surely have her smiling down on you with love and gratitude. Thank you.

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  22. Thanks Sudhi. You are so right – the right balance which is rare. And that is exactly why she had people like you as rocks for the family before, during and after.

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  23. Usha – Thank you for sharing about Shaila. It was precious to read and get to know about her through your eyes and from everyone who responded here. She is super special person who has all of you wonderful people in her life who hold her in your hearts. You taught me another precious thing in my life today. Thank you for making time to write and share, I am going to call and catch up with my childhood buddies that I haven’t talked to in a long time.

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